Grimball by Darianne


Closing the book and starting afresh.

The past couple of years have been a roller coaster. In the beginning, days were nearly impossible to get through. Anxiety was kicking my butt. I felt the need to cry all the time and I was depressed. I began to see a therapist to seek help before my depression consumed me completely. My life changed for the better.

For weeks, I've been going back and forth with my therapist. Everything is good in my world. She says, “Darianne, you don’t need me anymore.” She is right. For the longest time, I was seeing her biweekly and sometimes not at all. I realized I’ve been standing on my own for a really long time. All I needed to do was take the training wheels off. It’s a little scary to think about walking away from my sessions, but it’s what I need to do. Also, she was about ready to give me the boot (I’m only kidding. Sort of).

It's a bittersweet moment for me. I had my last therapy session last Friday. I'm so grateful to my therapist (now former) and this journey I'm on. 

Just like my new journal (my old one is half finished, but no longer needed or wanted), I'm starting afresh. I'm considering the old book I called "My Life" a terribly written prequel. This is where my story begins. I'm calling it "The Moment She Started Living". 

And I thank you. Yes, you who took the time to read this post. I've only gotten started and blogging is going to play a bigger roll in my book. I hope you stick around. Cheers to you!

And cheers to a new beginning!


A bunch of things I'm thankful for.

Every thanksgiving (well, everyday really), I think about everything I'm thankful for. I've been blessed. I've struggled most of my life and this is the first holiday season, I am free of it all. Yay, right? It's an amazing feeling. TO be happy in life and to be happy to be here living. Wow! This holiday season is already one for the books!

Speaking of holidays, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I'm excited to be having my first vegan Thanksgiving. While I've been following a vegetarian diet, part of my family has completely gone vegan. It's very exciting. Not to mention, I am in full Christmas mode already. 

So, in no particular order, here are a bunch of things I am thankful for:
  1. Blogging
  2. Family & Friends
  3. Coffee
  4. A job I actually enjoy.
  5. Beating depression
  6. Getting a handle on my anxiety without meds
  7. PIZZA
  8. My Kindle and collection of books
  9. Every song that has ever touched my heart
  10. Past and present experiences
  11. Autumnal and holiday scented candles 
  12. Chocolate covered pretzels
  13. The "ber" months
  14. Gelato
  15. Hot Apple Cider
  16. New York City and its aesthetics
  17. My journey to peace and happiness (I really am happy and I do have peaceful and blissful moments)
  18. Sweetgreen's Apple, Pear, + Cheddar salad
  19. Love and positivity around
  20. Concerts (because Ed Sheeran live is the greatest thing to ever happen thus far)
  21. All of you
Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrates! It's a day full of laughter, cheer, love, kindness, and bonding. May this Thanksgiving be as memorable as the last and new memories come from it. Happy-start-of-holiday-season to you!


P.S. What are you thankful for?

Be a flaneur.

Above, the skies blue while the clouds gray. The rooves below are strong and meet in the corners inspired by the Victorian Gothic era. Banners wave loudly, but not before the leaves, which wilt away as the seasons change. Not before the grass and the flowers which are waiting to be reborn next spring. Then there are bodies of enigmas. Insignificant, yet so important. Bundles of warmth cling to the flesh of these enigmas rushing to shelter. To warmth. To knowledge. To their future. Whatever that may be.

Flaneur: passionate wanderer

Occasionally, we get bored of the things we see daily. Every so often, we become immune to everything around us. I’m from New York City. I can attest to that. We can’t be bother, at times, to venture into the city. As a native, there are certain places and things that I can’t be bothered with. Don’t let your nonchalant attitude about your location blur your lens. 

On Wednesday, my Women’s Lit professor gave us an assignment to be flaneurs. She wanted us to explore and write about it. The excerpt above is a result of that assignment. Lately, I haven’t been out anywhere and I haven’t done anything remotely fun. I know I said I would. This assignment gave me a real push.

I enjoy finding new things to be gaga for. Victorian Gothic architecture is one of those things. The moment I walked into this out of place area, I couldn’t believe what I saw. People who live in the neighborhood shrug it off. To me, it was this neo-gothic, Babylonian place that floated in the sky. If a person looks up from down below, the neo-gothic architecture looks like a floating, medieval cathedral. I finally found what captured my interest all those years ago. I fell in love with it and decided it's a place I want to be. 

Anyways, we don’t all live in a place like NYC nor do we all have to. Finding magic where you are is up to you. Be a flaneur wherever you are. You will find something. It doesn’t matter if you live in the same place you were born and raised. Even if it’s hard to find, there is something. 

Let the flowers blossom around what you see. Let the faeries and unicorns walk about. Mother Earth is a beautiful woman. She is the that woman. What do you see?  When you’re done, try to see it from someone else’s perspective. 

The lens you see through may solely yours, but there's always a new way to see things. 

Have fun, flaneurs. Enjoy whatever magic you find. 


Falling out of love with Social Media.

In the beginning, social media was so addicting. I would be excited to tweet. I couldn’t wait to share a new photo on Instagram. Facebook was a telenovela I couldn’t wait to log in to. Tumblr allowed me to express myself without having to do the most work. Social media has its faults. There's no doubting that. A lot of time has passed since I began using social media. Many things have changed too.

Social media was another small space where I got to share a bit of my personality. Then I decided to blog. As a blogger, everything changed. Social media became a platform where I summed up everything into a photo. Social media must speak for my personality and my brand. That is something I find hard to do because material things do not define a person. I do the best I can, but it all gets a bit tiring. It's sort of like running to stand still. If you catch my drift.

For a while now, I’ve found myself straying from social media. There are times where I set a reminder for myself to post on Instagram. There used to be a new photo up at the same time every day. There are OOTD's from my favorite bloggers on Instagram that I do look forward to, but that's about it. I forget to tweet about the newest post on this blog. Sometimes I can’t be bothered to do so. I really use twitter to keep up with my favorite musician and I've strayed from that too. I deactivated my personal Facebook months ago. Telenovela’s get old quickly. Trust me. Tumblr is safe. I’m very busy, but I still enjoy my time on the site. I really want to blame adulting for my lack of interest with social media. I’ve tried to play the blame game. Then I remember this has been going on for a long time.

I thought I was simply growing bored with everything. I thought, maybe you’re getting too old. What the hell does that mean? I’m only twenty-three. It turns out I am not the only one. Other people are in the midst of a dry spell. Social media, in ways, has become uninspiring and uninteresting. It’s all one cliché after another. With that being said, I like to remind myself separate blogging from social media. Blogging is still a passion and I still enjoy it. I don’t feel forced or bored with it. It’s my little space on the Internet. Falling out of love with social media might be temporary. Who knows. I sure hope so. 

After taking my time and thinking long and hard, I decided to go back to the way things used to be. Spending time outside and exploring is something I’ve always enjoyed. I am not going to spend too much time on social media. Instead, I’m going to go out and inspire myself and find the things that inspire me most again. Of course, I will share along the way, but I need to find my footing again. I should remind myself what it was like in the beginning. Don't get me wrong. Interacting with everyone is so much fun. It's the other aspects of social media that I seem to no longer be fond of. Hopefully I can write about how I fell back in love with social media.

If you’re feeling this way, don’t fret. Take the time you need away. Social media will be there when you return. It isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes we need to remember to be present. Our lives shouldn't revolve around an app or a cellular device. I hope you feel inspired again and the time you decide to take away helps you with whatever it is you need.


Sunday mornings are humbling.

Sundays feel like riding a skateboard in an open space alone. Sundays feel like the quiet of a tender puff of air that causes the first autumn leaf to fall. She’s like the eerie quiet of snowfall on Christmas Eve morning. She is a collection of my favorite poems spilled out into the world. Sundays are the happy memories of my mom playing “Suavemente” while dancing with a broom and cleaning at the crack of dawn. Sundays are so damn present. 

Today is that morning. It’s that kind of Sunday. The sounds of Ed Sheeran's "Cold Coffee" is playing quietly like it has every morning for weeks. The past few weeks have been exhausting. Not much sleep. Not much fun. Just work and school (so many papers). Today feels unlike those of the past few weeks. I'm sat with my coffee smiling at the feelings Sunday brings.

Sundays slow down time and I’m reminded of my blessings. I am so thankful for it all. Including my little space on the web (my blog which turned three on 22 September 2017). There’s nothing quieter than a Sunday morning. Even New York isn’t loud on Sunday Mornings and New York is always loud. Sundays are for the hush tunes of Ed Sheeran and a fresh bouquet of flowers. Sundays are for more coffee and catching up with bloggers and blogging. Sundays are my reset button. We all need one.

Even though I have not slept and I’m drowning in a sea of essays, I have so much to be thankful. Last Sunday, I saw Ed Sheeran. Best concert I’ve ever attended. He was worth waiting almost seven years for. I’m keeping fingers crossed for Met Life tickets.

With my sleepy eyes, I must bid you adieu. I could use a nap to the sweet acoustics of my many autumn inspired playlists on Spotify. Before I go, I must ask because I am curious about your Sundays. What does Sunday mean to you? Any memories or traditions?


High all the time.

Life feels infinite nowadays. I have a new job. I’m enjoying school. My therapist tells me I don’t need her anymore. Life is good. I’m moving forward and working towards everything I’ve ever wanted. Sometimes I slow down to take a breath and remember with all the good comes a bit of worry. When will this high hit a low?

We all have lows. It’s that places that makes us feel horrible. We hate everything. We feel bad about ourselves and anything we do. We wish for those highs. We want to rejoice. When we’re at a high sometimes we feel it’s too good to be true. Yeah. We’re all like that. It’s okay. We’re human.

When we’re at a low, there’s a lot we can do to bring our spirits up. This isn’t about low points. This is about high points.

Just remember these things:
     1.      You deserve to be happy.

Everyone deserves to be happy. Don’t let anything or anyone take that from you. Be the one steering the wheel of your life. Happiness comes from you. Be your reason.

     2.      Having a high point isn’t karma’s way of preparing for an attack.

I used to think if I had one good moment, everything would turn to shit. I used to think karma was a master at guerilla warfare. I was WRONG. I was the reason things fell apart. Instead of letting myself be happy, I took it away with all the worry I could muster up. I like to believe in karma. I let karma handle my dirty work. Just remember karma is good to you if you’re good. Be good. Do your best. 

     3.      Taking part in activities you enjoy and trying new things helps the good times to keep rolling.

I enjoy hanging out with my friends. I enjoy roaming cities for fun. I want to go to Disneyland and I would like to go zip lining. Do the things that brings a smile to your face. Live on the edge a little. You will create memories and live a life you want while doing so.

     4.      One dreadful day doesn’t mean rock bottom.

We all have bad days. It’s important to remember that a dreadful day is just a dreadful day. A horrible day doesn’t mean a horrible lifetime. A dreadful day is not the end of the world. Sometimes we have multiple bad days in a row. The world will find its equilibrium again.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.” – John Lennon

     5.       It’s okay to feel something other than happiness.

Happiness isn’t the only emotion we’re wired to feel, but it is one of the best. We’re human. How many times have I said that? It’s the truth. We’re not expected to be perfect. We’re not expected to be happy all time. I don’t trust anyone who says they’re happy 25/8. That’s suspicious. A little bit of everything is always healthy. Don’t be afraid to feel what you’re feeling. Embracing it will help you get through whatever it is. There’s always a pot of gold waiting at the end of a rainbow after a rainy day.

     6.      Enjoy this moment.

There’s no time better than the present. Sometimes we’re so caught up in things we forget that we are here and now. Life’s too short. Give yourself a minute and keep pushing forward. This moment will not be refunded. There are no go-backs. Come what may, but don’t waste the precious time you have stressing about things that can’t be controlled. Life will throw curveballs. Throw them back. This moment is yours. Now. Now. Now.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a lovely day wherever you are.

All the love as always.

Darianne xx

P.S. Has anyone told you how wonderful you are today? You're stunning. You're brilliant. You're lovely. I'min awe. Keep being amazing.

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